Your turning point?

Your turning point?

If you have been a widow for a number of years, do you remember what your turning point was when you knew you were going to be OK?  Maybe you are not there yet.  Perhaps you don’t remember and as you think back, you just are not sure when that happened but you know it did. 

Honestly, I do not remember when that actually happened.  I am diffidently a type A person (ok for those who know me you can quit laughing know).  I love order in my life, I love a routine and like a plan for my life.  I am one that usually has a goal in my life and I enjoy working towards that goal. Some of those goals are short term and some are long term goals.

However, when I was faced with the challenge of what I thought the plan was for my life, and it had changed drastically, how was I going to get through that!  I knew my belief in God was strong and that He would pull me through.  But did I have enough faith to believe He would really bring me though to that turning point when I would know I had arrived.

How easy is it to on the top of the mountain when things are going well!  Let a life changing event happen in our lives and we are in the lowest part of our lives.   How do we handle that?  Is this something we can handle on our own?  For me that answer is absolutely not!  So often the comfort for me is found in verses in scripture which reads:  Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of:all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any a-affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Corinthians 1:2 - 3

When I think back of how I got to that point when I knew I was going to make it, it was the little things that led up to knowing I would be ok. Things like cleaning out Dan’s clothes, what I wanted to keep as personal memories, going to that first wedding alone, our children’s weddings, the births of our grandchildren…..   My list could go on.  I have been blessed with keeping great friendships with three of Dan’s friends and their wife’s who continue to be in my life to this day to help me through a difficult time.

I grew up on Southern Gospel music.  One of my favorite songs is call God on the Mountain sung by Lynda Randle.  If you go onto YouTube you can search for it there.  It’s a song of such hope and knowing that God is truly our comfort and with us on the mountain and in the valley.  I have listened to this song over and over and the peace knowing that God is our comfort is amazing.

May I carefully suggest a couple of things?  Perhaps you need a little nudge to help you see where you have come. Keep in mind, we cannot change what has happened in our lives but we can look back at how we were able to get through those decisions to move on. 

• May I suggest you list some of the difficult decisions you have had to make?  Using two columns, one of what you needed to do and how you did you handle that.  
• With the things you have had to pack up, what did you do with those things?  Were there those who were less fortunate that were able to use those things?  I know we would love to hang onto everything but that isn’t always possible or healthy.
• This one may be very difficult and not for everyone to do.  Unless you have remarried or are dating, you are now single.   What choices have you made to make new friends, or just doing something on your own?  Thank goodness I am now comfortable going to a movie by myself.  It’s amazing how often I see others – both men and women sitting alone at the movie theater.

Perhaps take a few moments to reflect on what you do have.   Oh there will be times that is truly difficult!  Believe me even after 21 years, there are times I think, hmmmm what would Dan do, say or how would he handle that?  During those thoughts I am fortunate to have those I can rely on to help me and reflect on what I do have.

My prayer is that you begin to see the little turning points in your life.  Eventually you will see more of them!  Eventually you will see that you are beginning to thrive.

As each of us travels down this journey a little differently.  We are all individuals who loved our men in our lives who were all individuals.  It may be a similar journey but none of our paths are identical.  The one main constant is God traveling down this journey with us

Blessings to each of you as you walk down this path.   May you continue to feel God’s arm wrapped around you.

Who are your support people?

Who are your support people?

Who is your go-to person?  Do you have that person who you can share with what you are going through?  A trusted friend to help with financial decisions?  That friend who is really practical?  Someone who will encourage you?  A spiritual mentor?  Your husband was most likely your go to person with decisions that needed to be made.  But things have changed.  As women we most likely each have that one amazing best friend who we can talk to about anything.  That may not be enough. 

In reading Miriam Neff’s book Where Do I Go From Here?  She has offered some great advice…  She calls these people her Board of Directors.   Miriam’s thoughts:

•  Choose a godly person who has experience a similar loss. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
•  Choose a person who has financial wisdom who you trust.   Psalm 24:1
•  Choose a practical friend.   Proverbs 15:22
•  Chose a friend who is an encourager.  Philippians 4:8-9
•  Choose a friend with spiritual discernment and courage.  Proverbs 27-17
•  Choose a friend or relative whose priority is your well being.  Proverbs 18:2

There isn’t one person that can be all of these to each of us.  God seems to give each of us our own special gifts.  Often times our court of trusted people changes with the loss in our life.  Some of these changes are not always a blessing so I would offer caution as you allow new people to come into your life during this time of grief.  It is so easy to allow someone in our lives during this time who may not necessarily have our best interest in mind.  Please be careful and wise about these choices. 

Each of these people who now come into your court have a benefit.  Make sure those that who you choose to be your court of advisors are qualified in their strengths.  Someone who has your best interest in mind – not their interest. 

Be patient with yourself.  There are few decisions that need to make immediately about your future.  Many of us have been widowed for some time and some of you are new at this new journey in life.  I totally agree with Miriam with her first point of choosing a godly person who has experienced a similar loss.  This person has been down the same journey and has some amazing insight on how to navigate the early stages of widowhood. 

Take time for you to reflect on the changes in your life.  There are some big changes aren’t there?  As you begin to choose these people in your court, take time to reflect the small changes in your life as well.  These changes may be as simple as completing that simple task of cleaning your bathroom. Take these little things and begin a list of things to be grateful for.  Title you list gratefulness... In time, you will discover you are healing and perhaps even helping a new widow along the way.

Before you know it, you may find you are able to go out for the first time, calling a friend for coffee, completing a new project that you thought you would never get to.  Slowly you will heal.  I am a list maker so for me this is an easy task.  However, as a new widow this was not an easy task.  One of the many promises God has given us is Proverbs 23:18-19 which reads:  There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.  Listen, my daughter, and be wise and keep your heart on the right path.  (Yes – I did change if from son to daughter)

My prayer for you is to find some of these treasured people in your life.  You are not expected to go on this journey alone.  We all need others in our path to help us through this journey.   Blessings to each of you.  May you continue to feel God’s arms wrapped around you.

PS…  Permission granted from Miriam Neff

Coping With Challenges

Coping With Challenges

Life is full of many challenges regardless of what we have gone through in our lives.  We can all go back to when we were children and had those kids who teased us, bullied us or were just plain unkind.  Or perhaps the college age years when we all thought we had the answers to everything in life and we just all knew it all.  Or perhaps we found the man of our dreams and we were going to have that special dream wedding, a couple of kids and we were going to live happily ever after.

Little did we know at the time of our youth, that those kids who irritated us actually became a life lesson on how to cope with those who hurt us?  Or when we got beyond those years of thinking we knew it all, and realized that there were those who we looked up to really did have the answers which made more sense. 

Perhaps many of you did find the man of your dream and the years to follow were absolutely dreamy!   Perhaps that sentence is a little unreal.   Marriage to the man God has given to you is wonderful.  But marriage isn’t always dreamy.  Sometimes we needed to work at it, pray it through and believe that God was in charge.   And He is in charge if we allow him to be.  

And then the unthinkable happens…….  Suddenly our spouse gets sick, is in a traffic accident or has a sudden illness and dies instantly.   How do we cope with the new challenges of going from a couple to being single?  How do we handle these changes?  Where is God in all of this?  Will we be able to cope with our new lives?  

As difficult at that first year or two is, you will.  I hope some of these coping hints will help you to go from feeling so alone that you think you cannot – to become the woman that God will bring you to become in this next chapter of your life.   I know – I know – you are thinking this isn’t the plan you had for the rest of your life.   It wasn’t for any of us but we do have a choice.  Do we want to be stuck where we are or do we gracefully except what we cannot change and allow God to direct our life? 

One of the Bible passages that comes to mind is the 23 Psalms. I used to think this scripture was overused and now I find it so comforting.  I once heard a story of a little girl of about 8 who was going to get up in front of her church to recite this passage.  She became anxious and started by saying – ‘The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want...’   Her mind went blank and then proceeded to say ‘Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.’  It was like all that is in between those two verses are irrelevant.  The Lord is our shepherd and He will follow us all the days of our lives. 

Let’s look at a few challenges and ideas on how we can work through those challenges.  Some of these may seem silly but then again they may be very real.

• From the beginning of no longer being married – what do we call it – My husband died, passed, passed away, crossed over or I lost my husband?  Each of us may have our own term which best suites how we feel.  Personally I often say he passed away or he is in a better place.
• Here’s a tough one – being able to ask for help.  It is very difficult to ask for help but perhaps you have a close friend or a Care Minister at your church who can be your ‘go between’ to help you with things you are having difficult asking help with.
•  Perhaps you are feeling scared of living alone for the first time in years.  Go easy on yourself as this is a huge change for you to be alone.  Take one day at a time or do one thing per day that needs to be done.
• The challenge of doing things by yourself as you and your spouse did everything together.  This can also be tough but perhaps just saying yes to attend a Bible Study for the first time or invite a couple of friends over for dinner or go out for dinner.  It’s taking that first step that may be hard but it’s a beginning.
• The feeling of being stuck……  Oh how often I felt that way.  Sometimes it is just easier to be alone than decide on what to do next. I may suggest keeping a diary or a journey recording both the good and the bad things you are feeling.  Take a look at what you are writing in a couple of weeks or months.  What are you doing that is making you feel better?  Sometimes we just need to put one foot in front of the other.

This list can go on and on but the one thing I would suggest to find that one person you can talk with.  Perhaps someone who has walked down the same path as you but is thriving.  Widows gain a new perspective talking with another widow.  In 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 reads Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

As we face these challenges, there is hope knowing that we will eventually heal and thrive.  May the memories you cherish help you to move forward with a smile of what you have had and as Christians we know we will see our spouse again. 

My prayer is for you to find peace in your journey and continue to feel God’s arms wrapped around you. Hugs and prayers to each of you traveling down this journey.  

Memories.....

Memories….  

With it being Memorial Day weekend, I am reminded of what this holiday means to me.  It reminds me of what I have because of our freedoms as a nation and what we can learn from it. I am one who loves to have my flag hanging outside my front door and it reminds me of keeping my son in my prayers on a regular basis and freedom. 

Also, as a child I remember my parents having their flag blowing in the breeze and because it was a holiday, we often had a picnic where we would invite other family or friends.  However, I do not remember this holiday being a solemn holiday at that time.  As I grew older, it did become as a reminder of things happening in our world as I had three older brothers who served their country, one during the Korean War and two during the Viet Nam War.  I remember how this effected my mom wondering if her boys would come home safely.  The faith she had was amazing and she believe God was in charge.  All three of my brothers returned home safely.

Years later, the man I married came from a military family.   My father-in-law was career military, as well as my husband and one of our son’s is currently career military. During our marriage, we were fortunate that Dan did not have to leave the States to serve our country.  However, he was involved with the Gulf War in the early 1990’s. I remember being pretty frazzled about the ‘what ifs’.  Our son has served four tours and each time it doesn’t get easier for this momma.  However, as I remember my own mother praying for God’s direction in her life and for her children, I find myself relying on God’s direction for my son’s life as well. 

I am proud of each of my children for the careers which they have chosen.  With this holiday, it makes me more aware of what my son is doing for others and makes me nervous as he is in arms way. 

As I think of the memories of what was before Dan’s death, I’m reminded of many terrific things that have happened in our lives but that doesn't mean there were times that not everything was terrific.  God has promises he is near us as in Psalms 2:18 reads:  The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. 

Each of our journeys are different…..  Some of you may have lost a loved one in circumstances which have not been easy to except.  Some of you lost your spouse to a long lengthy disease.  Others lost your spouse very quickly. 

Whether our tragedies were under good circumstances or painful circumstances, our God is with us.  Isiah 41:10 reads:  Fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

As time goes on, it seems I remember more of the good memories than those that are not so good.  I trust and pray as you travel this journey, you will also remember the good things and the bad memories will fade away.  

Hugs and prayers to each of you…….

Wow this room is huge…

Wow this room is huge…

Have you walked into a room full of people for the first (or several) times and thinking – this place is so big and I don’t think I can do this….   That first time when you go to an event, family function, dinner party……  Those first few times when you had to talk yourself into going because you just knew you had to take that first step…..  You wonder if you can do it or you walk in and think you cannot do it and want to walk out but you know you have to try to make that first attempt……

One of the first events I had been invited to after Dan died was a wedding of all things.  It took me quite a while before I sent the RSVP.  Weddings seemed to be were the hardest to attend and sometimes still are.   It’s not the wedding that is difficult, it’s the reception or dance that often follows which is difficult.  Fortunately, I had been invited to attend another event that same evening.  I knew most of the people attending that event were single and not a couple event.  So I did attend the wedding, the dinner and excused myself after dinner to attend the other event.

There comes a time when you just know you need to take that step.  Perhaps for those first few times you may need a plan.  Some ideas may be:

• ·         If possible bring a friend with you.
• ·         Set a time limit to being there.
• ·         Arrive late or plan on leaving early.
• ·         If the function is a sit down gathering, make plans to meet someone there to sit with.
• ·         The first time you go to church, sit with someone you know.
• ·         Have an alternative plan in case you feel you need a reason to leave.

It certainly isn’t easy making that first step.  However, God has promised us in Psalm 28:7:  The Lord is my strength and my shield, my heart trusts in him and I am helped.  After that first event on my own, I know I could do it but I also knew I truly had to rely on God to help me through it.  I knew for me the time had for me to decide if I was going to stay stuck or in a rut by staying home alone or trust God would see me through getting out. 

I will admit, I was ready to get home later that evening and the next day, I stayed home all day.  But I did realize that I did get out and I did just fine.  Did I miss not being a couple to that wedding – certainly but with God’s help I did it.  Each time does get easier.

Is life always easy – absolutely not!  With God’s help all things are possible – Matthew 19:26.  Blessings to each of you.   May you feel God’s arms wrapped around you as you walk this new journey in your life!

When morning comes......

When morning comes…

As I thought about blogging this month, I had a few ideas and thoughts, Easter is right around the corner and thought how I do enjoy what this holiday means.  As I think about this holiday, there are so many emotions that go with this event.  

As Jesus was walking the earth at this time knowing that soon he would be put to death and rise again and yet he continued to minister to the people.  But how does one get beyond that when they are going through a tough time or the loss of a loved one.

I love the song by Guy Penrod called Then Came The Morning (you can check it out on www.youtube.com).  It is a song of hope for the future.  As we learn to live without our spouse, there are days when it seems impossible to look to the future.  However, the hope we have from the scriptures about seeing our love ones again, is what gives us hope.

One of the parables Jeses spoke of during this time was the parable of those putting money into the treasury at the Temple. This parable is found in Mark 12:41 – 44.  Jesus was sitting back and observing the crowd.  I am amazed how he noticed the poor widow and put in two small copper coins worth a fraction of a penny. He then called the disciples together and instead of making a big deal of the large amounts of money the rich were giving, he chose to speak of the widow.

This parable is not so much to me about the giving, but the hope that God gives us as widows.  He is looking out for us regardless of what we are in need of.  It’s not about what we do not have but the faith we have in Him that He will see us through no matter how little we may have.

As we walk day by day our journey which we travel, I pray you will find the peace and hope that Christ gives you to walk down this journey.  I realize the title of this blog is somewhat a play on words.  There is hope in the morning regarding our mourning.  There is hope! 

I have said many times that this isn’t the journey or club any of us ever wanted or thought we would have to travel.  However, I am thankful for those of you who have been there and continue to be there for those going down this path.  I’ve seen many of you go from not thinking you would ever smile again to helping a new widow grow and smile again. 

 

Blessings to each of you no matter how short or long your journey has been.   Remember God is with you even when you do not feel like He is.  

What’s next?!

What’s next?!

So where or how do you go from being married, to being a widow, to what is next in my life. What is your new role in life now that you are widowed?  That is a huge question when one has had their lives planned out for what seemed like forever.  For many of you there are still a ton of emotions which you are going through.  For others, you are beginning to think now what?  For others, you may be stepping forward to a new stage of your life to helping others.  For others, you may be dating. And for others, they have remarried.  

Now that the holidays are behind us, now what?  This can be a loaded question for sure!  Ever feel that way?  The holidays can be an emotional roller coaster.   Rest assured, the roller coaster ride does even out and life does become a new normal without as many highs and lows.  The journey may be different and you may realize that it’s time to figure out what it is next for you.   

Even though we are all at different stages of this journey, life is living all around us.  As you reevaluate your life since your loss, what can you reflect on that is positive?  What are your interests?  What are your gifts?  What tugs at your heart that you like to do?   Perhaps you love to work with children, volunteer for a local charity, help with those who have disabilities, perhaps you have a compassion for those walking the journey you have been walking down.

Are you ready to turn your hurting into hope?   John 14:27 reads:  Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you.  God promises to give us peace through our hurting.   I totally understand that this journey is a process.  Are you ready to go down the journey with hope?

I remember struggling with what was next for me…..  Within a couple of years after Dan died, our kids headed off to start their lives, one going off to start his career, one off to the Army and the last off to college.  For me, it wasn’t until I had an empty nest that I truly began to think about what was next for me.  I will admit it took me a long time to figure it out.  I was still working and had that to keep me going. 

Pretty soon my kids were getting married and had children to help with putting some fun with traveling along the way.  Oh I still do some traveling but now that I’m retired, I have found helping others with this journey is rewarding for me.

If you are ready, consider what may work for you and perhaps help others.  Perhaps sending a note or email to someone who is hurting or a note of thanks for a kind gesture or note you received from someone.  Sometimes it helps during our process to give thanks but it’s not always easy.  If you are not at that stage yet, it is perfectly understandable.

I can totally relate to your loss.  There are days when you are thinking, I just wish he was here with me to go out to dinner with or a movie.  The hope we have in Christ is we will see our husbands again.   Again – the hope we have in Christ. 

Many of you have found what you love doing in helping others.  Others are not ready for that yet.  Some of you will continue doing what you are doing as you are exactly where you are supposed to be. 

Wherever you are in your journey, I pray you find peace in your journey