New Year – New Focus

New Year – New Focus

With each New Year, it seems to bring new possibilities.  I am one who likes to reflect on the past year and think about those possibilities for the upcoming year.  Depending on what you have gone through this past year, one may think, this next year can only get better. 

When we are closing out a year that has been difficult, it’s hard to imagine thinking about the New Year and what we might focus on.  With the loss of a spouse, it seems unthinkable to look forward to anything positive in the upcoming year.  The dreams we once had, are gone.  The plans we once had have been shattered.  

The pain and hurt we have gone through in the past year, is hard to imagine but in the same breath, what has happened cannot be changed.  So what do we do?  This whole process is a journey that takes time.  Although each of us travels this journey a little differently, we all go through it with many of the same similarities.  Rest assured, you will one day be able to wake up knowing that God has been with you each step of the way. 

One of the passages in the Bible that is a promise to us as we go through these tough times is found in Romans 15:13 which reads:  May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Perhaps as you begin this New Year and are wondering what or where to start, may I make a few suggestions?  Some of these make sense to you and others you may think are just too far down the road to consider.

•  Make a list of the positive things in your life.

•  Remember the good life you have had with your spouse or family.

•  What baby steps can you take toward something rewarding for you or someone hurting?

•   Perhaps set some goals for yourself this year.  Not big goals but realistic goals let’s say three, six, nine or twelve months out. 

•  Where do you see yourself at these stages in the upcoming year?

If you are one who normally thinks about where or what you would like to do or see yourself down the road, go easy on yourself.  If you make plans and they do not happen, do not be hard on yourself.  It just may mean you were not ready emotionally for that goal.  Proverbs 3:5-6 reads:  Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways submit to him and he will make your paths straight.  Again God’s promise is if we trust in Him, He will be there for us.

Rest assured that you will get through this with God’s help.  With each accomplishment, you will smile again and realize that you have made it.  You will make it!  If you are having a difficult time and need someone to talk to, please reach out to someone you trust.  There are many great faith based counselors to talk with.

May you find peace as you begin this New Year!   I pray you will find God’s arms wrapped around you and sense Him directing your path.  

Christmas Past and Present

Christmas Past and Present

With Christmas upon us, my memories always goes back to the nativity scene of Mary and Joseph with baby Jesus being born in the stable.   As a child, my dad would always read the Christmas story out of the Bible on Christmas Eve. My favorite part of the Christmas story is:  Luke 2:10-14 reads: But the angel said to them, do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, Glory to God in the highest heaven, and on earth peace to those on: whom his favor rests.”

Later in life, my children were often in plays in preschool or Christmas programs at church where they would perform in a play acting out the story of Jesus birth.  Such fond memories they were and are still today.  I’m sure I am not alone when I say I enjoy the Christmas music of small children.  They seem to just put a smile on one’s face right?  Nothing better than the reality that children bring to the holidays.

 

However, things in life happen to not always make things seem happy.  There are changes some more extreme than others.   For some, our children grow up, move one, get married (sometimes) and sometimes their jobs take them to other parts of the country.  For some of us, our parents have grown old, are not in good health or have passed away.  For others, we have lost a child, grandchild, sibling or our spouse.   These are pretty dramatic losses in our lives and difficult to go on.

For some of you, these first couple of years are still very painful.  For others, you may be thinking about some changes to the holidays.  I am one who truly has loved tradition.  But sometimes circumstances change in our live which may cause the traditions to change.  May I offer some suggestions?  Some of these may be way off base for you but some will give you permission to change things up:

•  Break a tradition:
•   If you have been the host to holiday’s in the past, suggest one of you children   or other family member host these first few holidays.
•  Invite another person to your holiday who is also alone.
•  Perhaps this year is just too difficult to be with others, give yourself permission to spend it alone. Next year will be a new year to go back to your traditions.

• ·         Remembering your spouse:

o   Put together a memory book of your spouse.  You may also invite others to add memories to this book.  This doesn’t need to be just for the holidays  but can be for all year long

o   Make or purchase decorations in honor of you loved one.

o   Continue to hang the stocking of your loved one.  Let your guests know ahead of time to bring a written note of your loved one and put it in their stocking.  Take turns pulling the memories out of the stocking and read them.  Hopefully, you will have some happy memories that will make you laugh and sometimes cry.

o   Donate to a charity of your choice in honor of your loved one.

• ·         What about you?

o   Perhaps schedule a massage, pedicure or manicure for yourself. 

o   It’s ok to turn down events that you are having a hard time attending.

o   Be honest with your family and friends on what you are feeling.  Unless they have been in your shoes, they may not understand your choices.

This is a new season of life for you with many new changes...  Remember the promise regarding Jesus birth from the Old Testament which says:  Isaiah 7:14: Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel.  As with the promise of Jesus birth from the Old Testament to the reality of the New Testament, we have the hope that we will be able to move forward and see our loved ones again.

Blessings to you and enjoy your holiday’s.  Those who we are missing are always in our hearts.

Guardian Angels – Are they for real?

Guardian Angels – Are they for real?

Do you ever wonder if you have a guardian angel? Do you ever feel like someone you have loved and lost is still part of your life?  I know this may sound weird to some people but it’s almost like we have our own guardian angel reminding us everything is going to be ok.  Things may and will change in our lives along the way.

As I was thinking about writing this blog, there have been conversations over the years when people have felt strongly about this.   The story closest to my heart is with my kids.   My kids were sitting outside on our patio late at night reflecting on the events of the last couple of days.  Our patio had been the place their dad had his heart attack and sitting outside that night, they felt close to him. 

The next morning we chatted about the events that had happened and I remember thinking I was glad that they were out on the patio and I was afraid they would never go out there again.  They had told me they were just talking about their memories of their dad when a bright shooting star went across the sky.  To them, it was a sign that their dad was and would be their guardian angel.  I remember thinking, I like that idea but I had not given much thought to it.

At first I thought to myself if that makes them feel better, I’m all for it.  However, as time passed, I began to wonder if there is something about our loved ones keeping an eye out so to speak on us when we are trying to make a decision or just thinking about them.

Over the years, this topic has come up in many conversations.  A friend of mine who lost her son several years ago, had frequent encounters with dragon flies as her son loved dragon flies as a child.  Another friend who had lost her parents and husband feathers would come out of nowhere.  Beautiful feathers that her dad and husband loved.  Others have mentioned that their loved ones loved red cardinals or monarch butterflies.   When they were feeling sad or missed their loved ones, all of the sudden one of these would appear.

When reading about guardian angles, I came across this scripture - Psalms 91:11 (ESV) which reads: For He will give His angles charge concerning you, to guard you in all your ways.  God surrounds us with a host of angles to protect us and go before us.  With that being said, we are not to be preoccupied with them or worship them.  Only God is worthy of our worship. 

There have been times when I have had to make big decisions or I was just second guessing myself and thinking I wish I still had Dan to bounce things off of.  God has never failed me during any this time.  I know He is watching out for me.  Did or do I think Dan is my guardian angel – perhaps.

For me there hasn’t been a sign of anything in particular like a butterfly, a bird, a shooting star or a dragonfly but I have felt I have had a guardian angel watching over me.  Perhaps these little signs are our guardian angels.  Our paths may be similar but each of us has a slightly different path and it's ok. 

May you feels God’s arms wrapped around you and know that He is will be with you always!  

Roller Coaster Ride or What?

Roller Coaster Ride or What?

Did you wake up today and think, today is going to be a good day!   I feel like I can handle this new path I’m walking down and I think, I am going to be OK.  We may finally have found that the days are getting easier and the bad days are farther and fewer between. 

But all of the sudden we just cannot do anything right or nothing seems to be going right.  Why does life seem to be such a roller coaster ride?  

Perhaps you were on your walk this morning and out of the blue, you began crying.  Or talking to a friend that just doesn’t seem to understand.  Or you are thinking what just happened?!  We see that couple walking down the sidewalk holding hands or we take a second look at that person who reminds us of our spouse. There are times when trying to figure out this new journey of our life when we almost feel ambushed! 

There are those days when you feel there is no hope but there is.   Psalms 23:4 offers comfort:  Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me, your rod and your staff they comfort me.

In conversations over time, many widows have said they cannot walk by the men’s department in a clothing store.  They try to avoid it at all costs.  There have been times when I have walked by the men’s department and there is a mannequin dressed in a polo shirt and a pair of khakis, which reminds me of my late husband.  I have found myself running my fingers over the folded polo’s on the table.  At this point it makes me smile as it reminds me of good times.

So often we wonder where God is in our pain or suffering.  He really does understand.  He does hear us and wants us to talk to Him about what we are going through.  Psalms 62:8 reads: O my people, trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge.

We may not understand why we have had to walk this journey but rest assured in God that He has the final plan for our lives.  As Christians, we have the hope for the future that we will see our loved ones again. 

I trust and pray that as time goes on, your highs and lows become less extreme.  The time will come when the extremes will mellow out.  Those things which you miss, you may always miss.  But with time, you can will smile and remember the good times, the funny times and the silly times.  You may shed tears along the journey and that is so normal.   Be patient with yourself.  

Will we ever forget – no we will not.  The love you have had for your spouse will always be in your heart.  With God’s amazing grace, He is our comfort and will be our comfort.  We are all on our own path and there is not a timeline that is the same for everyone.

If your journey seems to be overwhelming, please seek council from your pastor or priest or a professional counselor.

Blessings to each of you.  May you Cherish the times you have had and feel God's arms wrapped around you.

Your turning point?

Your turning point?

If you have been a widow for a number of years, do you remember what your turning point was when you knew you were going to be OK?  Maybe you are not there yet.  Perhaps you don’t remember and as you think back, you just are not sure when that happened but you know it did. 

Honestly, I do not remember when that actually happened.  I am diffidently a type A person (ok for those who know me you can quit laughing know).  I love order in my life, I love a routine and like a plan for my life.  I am one that usually has a goal in my life and I enjoy working towards that goal. Some of those goals are short term and some are long term goals.

However, when I was faced with the challenge of what I thought the plan was for my life, and it had changed drastically, how was I going to get through that!  I knew my belief in God was strong and that He would pull me through.  But did I have enough faith to believe He would really bring me though to that turning point when I would know I had arrived.

How easy is it to on the top of the mountain when things are going well!  Let a life changing event happen in our lives and we are in the lowest part of our lives.   How do we handle that?  Is this something we can handle on our own?  For me that answer is absolutely not!  So often the comfort for me is found in verses in scripture which reads:  Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of:all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any a-affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Corinthians 1:2 - 3

When I think back of how I got to that point when I knew I was going to make it, it was the little things that led up to knowing I would be ok. Things like cleaning out Dan’s clothes, what I wanted to keep as personal memories, going to that first wedding alone, our children’s weddings, the births of our grandchildren…..   My list could go on.  I have been blessed with keeping great friendships with three of Dan’s friends and their wife’s who continue to be in my life to this day to help me through a difficult time.

I grew up on Southern Gospel music.  One of my favorite songs is call God on the Mountain sung by Lynda Randle.  If you go onto YouTube you can search for it there.  It’s a song of such hope and knowing that God is truly our comfort and with us on the mountain and in the valley.  I have listened to this song over and over and the peace knowing that God is our comfort is amazing.

May I carefully suggest a couple of things?  Perhaps you need a little nudge to help you see where you have come. Keep in mind, we cannot change what has happened in our lives but we can look back at how we were able to get through those decisions to move on. 

• May I suggest you list some of the difficult decisions you have had to make?  Using two columns, one of what you needed to do and how you did you handle that.  
• With the things you have had to pack up, what did you do with those things?  Were there those who were less fortunate that were able to use those things?  I know we would love to hang onto everything but that isn’t always possible or healthy.
• This one may be very difficult and not for everyone to do.  Unless you have remarried or are dating, you are now single.   What choices have you made to make new friends, or just doing something on your own?  Thank goodness I am now comfortable going to a movie by myself.  It’s amazing how often I see others – both men and women sitting alone at the movie theater.

Perhaps take a few moments to reflect on what you do have.   Oh there will be times that is truly difficult!  Believe me even after 21 years, there are times I think, hmmmm what would Dan do, say or how would he handle that?  During those thoughts I am fortunate to have those I can rely on to help me and reflect on what I do have.

My prayer is that you begin to see the little turning points in your life.  Eventually you will see more of them!  Eventually you will see that you are beginning to thrive.

As each of us travels down this journey a little differently.  We are all individuals who loved our men in our lives who were all individuals.  It may be a similar journey but none of our paths are identical.  The one main constant is God traveling down this journey with us

Blessings to each of you as you walk down this path.   May you continue to feel God’s arm wrapped around you.

Who are your support people?

Who are your support people?

Who is your go-to person?  Do you have that person who you can share with what you are going through?  A trusted friend to help with financial decisions?  That friend who is really practical?  Someone who will encourage you?  A spiritual mentor?  Your husband was most likely your go to person with decisions that needed to be made.  But things have changed.  As women we most likely each have that one amazing best friend who we can talk to about anything.  That may not be enough. 

In reading Miriam Neff’s book Where Do I Go From Here?  She has offered some great advice…  She calls these people her Board of Directors.   Miriam’s thoughts:

•  Choose a godly person who has experience a similar loss. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
•  Choose a person who has financial wisdom who you trust.   Psalm 24:1
•  Choose a practical friend.   Proverbs 15:22
•  Chose a friend who is an encourager.  Philippians 4:8-9
•  Choose a friend with spiritual discernment and courage.  Proverbs 27-17
•  Choose a friend or relative whose priority is your well being.  Proverbs 18:2

There isn’t one person that can be all of these to each of us.  God seems to give each of us our own special gifts.  Often times our court of trusted people changes with the loss in our life.  Some of these changes are not always a blessing so I would offer caution as you allow new people to come into your life during this time of grief.  It is so easy to allow someone in our lives during this time who may not necessarily have our best interest in mind.  Please be careful and wise about these choices. 

Each of these people who now come into your court have a benefit.  Make sure those that who you choose to be your court of advisors are qualified in their strengths.  Someone who has your best interest in mind – not their interest. 

Be patient with yourself.  There are few decisions that need to make immediately about your future.  Many of us have been widowed for some time and some of you are new at this new journey in life.  I totally agree with Miriam with her first point of choosing a godly person who has experienced a similar loss.  This person has been down the same journey and has some amazing insight on how to navigate the early stages of widowhood. 

Take time for you to reflect on the changes in your life.  There are some big changes aren’t there?  As you begin to choose these people in your court, take time to reflect the small changes in your life as well.  These changes may be as simple as completing that simple task of cleaning your bathroom. Take these little things and begin a list of things to be grateful for.  Title you list gratefulness... In time, you will discover you are healing and perhaps even helping a new widow along the way.

Before you know it, you may find you are able to go out for the first time, calling a friend for coffee, completing a new project that you thought you would never get to.  Slowly you will heal.  I am a list maker so for me this is an easy task.  However, as a new widow this was not an easy task.  One of the many promises God has given us is Proverbs 23:18-19 which reads:  There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.  Listen, my daughter, and be wise and keep your heart on the right path.  (Yes – I did change if from son to daughter)

My prayer for you is to find some of these treasured people in your life.  You are not expected to go on this journey alone.  We all need others in our path to help us through this journey.   Blessings to each of you.  May you continue to feel God’s arms wrapped around you.

PS…  Permission granted from Miriam Neff

Coping With Challenges

Coping With Challenges

Life is full of many challenges regardless of what we have gone through in our lives.  We can all go back to when we were children and had those kids who teased us, bullied us or were just plain unkind.  Or perhaps the college age years when we all thought we had the answers to everything in life and we just all knew it all.  Or perhaps we found the man of our dreams and we were going to have that special dream wedding, a couple of kids and we were going to live happily ever after.

Little did we know at the time of our youth, that those kids who irritated us actually became a life lesson on how to cope with those who hurt us?  Or when we got beyond those years of thinking we knew it all, and realized that there were those who we looked up to really did have the answers which made more sense. 

Perhaps many of you did find the man of your dream and the years to follow were absolutely dreamy!   Perhaps that sentence is a little unreal.   Marriage to the man God has given to you is wonderful.  But marriage isn’t always dreamy.  Sometimes we needed to work at it, pray it through and believe that God was in charge.   And He is in charge if we allow him to be.  

And then the unthinkable happens…….  Suddenly our spouse gets sick, is in a traffic accident or has a sudden illness and dies instantly.   How do we cope with the new challenges of going from a couple to being single?  How do we handle these changes?  Where is God in all of this?  Will we be able to cope with our new lives?  

As difficult at that first year or two is, you will.  I hope some of these coping hints will help you to go from feeling so alone that you think you cannot – to become the woman that God will bring you to become in this next chapter of your life.   I know – I know – you are thinking this isn’t the plan you had for the rest of your life.   It wasn’t for any of us but we do have a choice.  Do we want to be stuck where we are or do we gracefully except what we cannot change and allow God to direct our life? 

One of the Bible passages that comes to mind is the 23 Psalms. I used to think this scripture was overused and now I find it so comforting.  I once heard a story of a little girl of about 8 who was going to get up in front of her church to recite this passage.  She became anxious and started by saying – ‘The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want...’   Her mind went blank and then proceeded to say ‘Surely goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.’  It was like all that is in between those two verses are irrelevant.  The Lord is our shepherd and He will follow us all the days of our lives. 

Let’s look at a few challenges and ideas on how we can work through those challenges.  Some of these may seem silly but then again they may be very real.

• From the beginning of no longer being married – what do we call it – My husband died, passed, passed away, crossed over or I lost my husband?  Each of us may have our own term which best suites how we feel.  Personally I often say he passed away or he is in a better place.
• Here’s a tough one – being able to ask for help.  It is very difficult to ask for help but perhaps you have a close friend or a Care Minister at your church who can be your ‘go between’ to help you with things you are having difficult asking help with.
•  Perhaps you are feeling scared of living alone for the first time in years.  Go easy on yourself as this is a huge change for you to be alone.  Take one day at a time or do one thing per day that needs to be done.
• The challenge of doing things by yourself as you and your spouse did everything together.  This can also be tough but perhaps just saying yes to attend a Bible Study for the first time or invite a couple of friends over for dinner or go out for dinner.  It’s taking that first step that may be hard but it’s a beginning.
• The feeling of being stuck……  Oh how often I felt that way.  Sometimes it is just easier to be alone than decide on what to do next. I may suggest keeping a diary or a journey recording both the good and the bad things you are feeling.  Take a look at what you are writing in a couple of weeks or months.  What are you doing that is making you feel better?  Sometimes we just need to put one foot in front of the other.

This list can go on and on but the one thing I would suggest to find that one person you can talk with.  Perhaps someone who has walked down the same path as you but is thriving.  Widows gain a new perspective talking with another widow.  In 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 reads Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.

As we face these challenges, there is hope knowing that we will eventually heal and thrive.  May the memories you cherish help you to move forward with a smile of what you have had and as Christians we know we will see our spouse again. 

My prayer is for you to find peace in your journey and continue to feel God’s arms wrapped around you. Hugs and prayers to each of you traveling down this journey.